A few nights ago, I gave a new acquaintance a ride home after a party, and before I knew it I was in the middle of an abortion heart-to-heart. I felt a little out of my element talking about abortion with (a) a man (b) a man I didn’t know well and (c) a man I had a lil’ bit of a crush on.
He talked about living with his first love and girlfriend for a few years, and then breaking up over an abortion that he was against. It was clear that even though it had occurred some time ago, he was still broken up about it. I asked if the experience upset him so much because he was staunchly pro-life in general, or in love with his girlfriend and ready for a baby. He answered he, ‘just knew what was right’. So, yeah I don’t really know what that means.
Help me out choice feminists! I don’t really have a good angle on talking to men who have experienced abortion and were not in agreement with their partner. Any experience with this? I was tempted to say ‘imagine how much worse it would be if you didn’t have any say in the matter and the baby was in your uterus’…but I didn’t want to sound flippant. Besides he didn’t at all question her ultimate right to choose or stand in her way, just at a loss for where he belonged in the situation.
Also, would you date a pro-life dude? My policy has always been N-O, but I find this guy pretty terrific in every other capacity….help!
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Kate is a public policy expert with a vintage dress obsession. |
First of all, this guy didn’t give you a clear indication that he had a position on all abortions – he only said that he was opposed to this once instance of abortion. So I would pin him down on his position before you label him one way or the other.
If this dude turns out to be anti-choice, I could never picture myself being with someone who didn’t support my right to choose. And for that matter, I would never date someone who didn’t consider themselves to be a feminist. S/he could be hawt as hell and I still wouldn’t give up the punany. Feminism and choice are so central to my state of mind – they’re two things that I’m not willing to compromise.
As for talking to Mr. Hot, one on one is definitely going to be your best bet. If he’s in front of other people, he’s likely to feel pressured.
I think the next time this comes up, you need to pin him down on his comment “just knew what was right” and find out his position on abortion separate from his feelings on his ex’s abortion. If he’s anti-choice in general, I’d look elsewhere for a romantic relationship. I have found that if someone is anti-choice, this also spills over into other area’s such as discrimination, racism, sexism. I really can’t even have a friendly relationship with any person that would willingly take away my bodily sovereignty. But then again, look at Matalin and Carville. They are opposites and they get along.
Alarm bells went off at reading he ‘just knew what was right’. Right for the potential child? Right for him? Right for her? Also, his answer was evasive. (-100 terrific points). Ultimately every woman must have sovereignty over her own body and I cannot imagine being seriously involved with someone who doesn’t believe the same. But that’s what dating is for, right? To explore each other’s compatibility.
All the advice here has been good so far. I think everyone is right in that you need to have a bigger discussion in which you explain your views and he gets a chance to explain his. Maybe you can direction him to resources like http://menandabortion.com/ to help him explore and express his feelings.
As far as dating goes, I think one of the most important questions is does he respect your bodily integrity? what would it look like to be with him, get pregnant, and then disagree about what to do about the pregnancy? maybe too intense of a question before even a first date, but something to keep in mind if you decide to go forward.
Don’t do it. He doesn’t really respect you or any woman. After extensive observation, I’ve concluded that essentially all “feminist” “progressive” men who are anti-choice are MRAs at heart, just trying to cover it up to get laid. Sorry to be blunt.
I absolutely agree with freewomyn. Dating an anti-choicer is just out of the question, in my opinion. Someone who doesn’t respect your autonomous right to make choices about your own body, isn’t very likely to respect your opinions, values, or sexual desires for that matter.
If feminism is really an integral part of your life, being with someone who doesn’t have a profound respect for your right to make informed decisions about your body without consent from another human being is going to be miserable. But, that is just my opinion. Every feminist has to do what is right for them.
thanks ya’lls! Wise advice. I have seen him again, but I haven’t brought it up again yet. clarification will be sought before any hanky panky
i’ll keep you posted