Feminists For Choice

A recent article in the New York Times has sent off a conversation about the latest in parenting problems. The question that is being posed: Is Shouting the New Spanking? Apparently, it is the new spanking and it is a big issue for today’s parents, who apparently are the “generation that yells.”

Most articles that I read in preparation for this post were focused on the guilt parents feel for shouting and the hurt feelings of the child caught off guard by mean mommy. Professor Rohner is quoted in the Times article, “My bottom-line recommendation is don’t yell, it is a risk factor for a family.” He also points out that some religious and conservative groups advocate for spanking, but not for yelling.

A ton of research has been done about spanking. Most of the studies reveal that it and other corporeal punishments are generally less effective and potentially harmful over time. Essentially, spanking distracts from the issue and doesn’t facilitate a real learning experience. Persistent spanking as a regular disciplinary measure has been shown to have some potentially negative effects on self esteem and attitudes towards violence.

The line between spanking and abuse can be fuzzy, yet it is important to note that there is a difference. I’m not a fan of ever spanking, but parents who display no malice and don’t harm a child with the rare spank are not abusive. It is understandable when a parent has an emotional panic and they desperately want their child to immediately know something is wrong. This happens a lot if their child’s safety is at risk.

A shout parent is likely not abusive either. Now if the yells are demeaning, hateful or if forceful screams are a daily occurrence this is not a good thing. No parent should name call or maliciously curse at their children ever.

The danger of lumping all yelling into the category of bad parenting is that it continues an unreachable ideal for parents. If society expects perfection and makes parents feel guilty for something new every ten minutes we won’t have any confident parents. Many are already starting to rarely or never discipline their children in the hopes of being their friend rather than their parent. Children need boundaries, rules and to know that parents are in charge until they grow up. To establish this, a raised voice may be needed from time to time.

If a parent screams after a stressful day at a child that refuses to listen, that parent should not feel guilty. Yes, parents should try to always improve their parenting skills, but perfect parenting should never be expected from society or parents themselves. I believe it makes a parent better if they occasionally show some vulnerable and imperfection. This lets children realize they can be successful good people without being perfect. If they hear a rare scream as a child, they won’t be shocked when it happens at school or in an adult relationship.

Again, verbal or physical abuse is not expectable. Screaming and spanking are not the best parenting tools and probably shouldn’t be a regular occurrence. I have come across some tips that seem like they could be helpful for parents who feel they do shout at their children too much.

1- Assess your hot button issues or situations. If you know what stresses you out most, you can try to avoid these situations or prepare yourself before they occur.

2-Take a breath or leave the room for a quick moment before reacting to your child’s actions

3- If it is an option solicit your partner’s help. Check in with your partner when you feel stressed and ask them to let you know when they feel you have gone a little overboard in the screaming department. Of course, remember that you asked for their help and don’t yell at them when they do point it out!

Even after taking these steps to curb the screaming, I hope that parents won’t feel guilty if they do scream but instead learn and go on.  That’s what we want our children to do when they make a mistake, so why won’t we give ourselves the same courtesy.