Feminists For Choice

Dear Lyndsey,

I’ve heard a lot of different things about STDs and oral sex and I don’t know what to believe or listen to. I was about to go down on a newly-made lady friend and she stopped me to tell me that she had herpes, but hadn’t had an outbreak in months. While I’m glad she was honest, but I was confused and didn’t continue my journey south. So, what’s the story, am I safe?

Thanks,
Heading for warmer climates

Excellent question, and I can assure you that you are not the only one who has ever been confused or thwarted below the belt. Hopefully I can help clear a few things up.

Let me begin by commending your recognition that one can get sexually transmitted infections from oral sex. Again and again in my work as an educator I hear people say that because a person can’t get pregnant from oral sex that it’s “safe;” the risks of STIs/STDs are frequently absent from minds when sex is on the line. I also want to commend your lady friend for sharing her status and being honest with you. She gets points not only for getting herself tested and knowing what’s going on with her body, but also for giving you the necessary information and allowing you to make informed decisions.

Now some facts about herpes. Herpes comes in two forms: simplex type 1 (most commonly associated with oral herpes) and simplex type 2 (most commonly associated with genital herpes), though both types can infect either area. Herpes is most likely to be passed when an infected person is experiencing an outbreak (including the time before and after any sores appear), however it is possible for herpes to be passed between outbreaks. Below are three ways that one can lessen the chance of passing herpes, you can read more details from Planned Parenthood.

-Refraining from sexual contact whenever a person with herpes feels any symptoms of an outbreak (often times itching, tingling, pain, or sometimes flu-like symptoms), and waiting at least 7 days after herpes sores and/or symptoms go away. Herpes can be passed through sweat, fluids, and skin-to-skin contact, so even using a condom or dental dam during an outbreak would not necessarily provide protection from an infection.

-A person with herpes can take anti-viral drugs that can help to reduce the frequency and length of outbreaks. These medicines can also lessen the chance of the virus being passed to sexual partners between outbreaks.

-Always using a barrier method between outbreaks.

This last point is one that you will see me go back to time and time again. As with all STIs, the most common symptom is no symptoms at all. It is entirely possible for someone to have an infection and not know; with herpes it is estimated that millions have it have, but have never noticed symptoms. All that is to say, talk to your partner, get tested, and use condoms and dental dams—yes even for oral sex. That leads us back to your particular dilemma; what to do as you are heading down on your lady friend. Time for a dental dam!

So, what exactly is a dental dam? It is basically a sheet of latex or polyurethane used for protection during oral play with an anus or a vagina. Dental dams are relatively new (think the last 10 years or so) and can be tricky to find, but they can most easily be located at good sex shops (especially the feminist ones), sexual health clinics and service centers (i.e. a local health department or Planed Parenthood), local pride events, lesbian bars, GLBTQ bookstore/coffee shops, and they can be ordered online. Can’t find dental dams, but really want to go down? No problem! Here are two easy solutions to that dilemma.

-Option one: use a condom (preferably unlubricated). Yes, I’m serious. Unroll a latex or polyurethane condom, remove the ring at the open end (scissors work great) and cut or tear in down one long side. Ta-Da—a sheet of protection just for you. (Don’t use animal skin—they protect against pregnancy but not STIs, the pores can let infections through.) For a demo, check this out!

-Option two: go to the kitchen and find the plastic wrap. Plastic wrap, as long as it is not microwaveable is a suitable stand in. Some of you may remember this saran wrap attempt.

And how do you use your dental dam? You put some water-based lubrication on one side (this could be a great time to use an “enhancing” lube, if you enjoy such things) and place that side on the vagina or anus. While either you or your partner hold the dam in place, you put your mouth on the non-lubed side. This barrier helps provide protection from both fluid exchange and skin-to-skin contact. Now you can lick and suck to your and your partner’s content, with the comfort of knowing that you are both more protected!

First attempts at using a dental dam can sometimes feel awkward or unwieldy, but as with many things fun and worthwhile, it gets easier with practice. Plus you and your partner(s) get the added bonus of being turned on from knowing you are more protected, instead of worrying about the what ifs.

So, that’s the news, go out and getcha some, protected and armed with knowledge.

Lyndsey

Please send your questions to lyndsey@feministsforchoice.com.