Going Down? “Lesbian” Sex is More than You Think!

The sex ed question of the week: I’m a lesbian who doesn’t like eating pussy. I don’t like the taste, I don’t like the smell, and I’m not a fan of all that pubic hair in my mouth. Is there something wrong with me?

No, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as “gay sex” or “lesbian sex,” at least not in the limited ways that people often think—therefore there is nothing wrong with you because you do not enjoy a particular sexual act. Sex acts of all sorts cross the boundaries of all identities. What I mean by that is there are no prescribed ways that any person of any identity has to have sex for it to “count.” You do not have to enjoy or engage in oral sex to be a “true lesbian” or have sex as a lesbian.

That being the case, I’m going to describe as many ways that any two (or more) people can have sex, and we’ll go from there.

Let me also add that our biggest sex organ is brain (likely followed by the skin). That being the case, every human being is turned on by different things, gets off in varying ways, and enjoys different things. And, if you aren’t mentally excited about an activity, it is unlikely that you will enjoy it and also likely that your partner will sense your non-excitement.

Digital Sex: In this case, this is not a reference to online escapades—instead is a focus the use of fingers and hands. Fingers and hands can explore all over the body providing pleasure of many sorts. Fingers can rub clitorises (clitori?), enter mouths, vaginas, and anuses.

Oral Sex: At the most basic level this means one person placing their mouth on another person’s genitals or anus. A number of people are hesitant about oral sex for any number reasons—it feels too intimate, some are turned off by the taste or smell (this applies to both male and female genitalia), others are intimidated by genitalia and what might be needed to please the person attached. On the other hand some people really love and prefer oral sex to other sexual options.

Since we’re talking about oral sex, I want to quickly address the concerns you raised. Every human has a specific taste and smell that is totally normal, healthy, and generally unique to each person, it’s possible that you may find someone who’s smell excites you. (STD note, if a person’s genitals smell incredibly strong or even fishy that can be a sign of an infection.) Also, pubic hair comes in many forms, it may be grown out in all of its glory, trimmed and kept short, or completely shaved or waxed. A person’s pubic hair is often as unique as their genitals, their smell, or their taste.

Penetrative Sex: This covers any sort of penetration of the vagina, anus, or bonus hole (a term used to refer to the vaginal opening of a person transitioning from female to male), all of which can be accomplished with a penis, a dildo, a vibrator, fingers, and for some other objects as well.

Anal Sex: Please refer back to oral sex and penetrative sex and how they both apply to the anus. If you are new to anal sex, or are considering exploring this form of sexual expression I have two pieces of advice—go slow and use lubrication liberally.

Body Rubbing: Whether clothed or naked, this sexual pastime may be known my many names including frotage, grinding, tribbing, twerking, scissoring, and humping and can be shared between any two sexual partners. Someone out there is going to say “that’s so high school,” and I say to those people, just because you have learned more advanced techniques does not mean you should abandon your foundations!

These are just some very basic categories of what counts as sex, sexual play, and intimacy. We could expand the list by adding masturbation, technological sex (phone, text, online), BDSM, fantasies of all sorts, inclusion of porn, and any number of other things that I have likely forgotten.

Important things to remember (for all sexually active persons, no matter their identification)—make sure that everyone is on board with whatever sexual acts you may want to engage in and that you are taking the proper precautions regarding sexually transmitted infections and pregnancies. This means COMMUNICATION and BARRIER METHODS! (condoms—standard and insertive, and dental dams)

So, what’s the moral of the story–you like the sexual acts that you like, and no partner (or potential partner) should make you feel ashamed for not enjoying a particular act. You’ve just got to find sexual partners who aren’t looking for oral sex–there are likely more than you think! There are tons of sexual options and you should explore and identify those that are your favorites.

All of that being said, I do encourage you to keep an open mind, your preferences may change over time. You may find a partner who shaves their genitals and who’s smell and taste entices you, you never know.

No matter what sexual acts you choose you and your partners should feel comfortable, safe, excited, and protected. Enjoy!

Lyndsey

Did I leave something out? I’d love to hear your questions and comments! Please send your questions to lyndsey@feministsforchoice.com.

Comments

  1. thank you…thank you for writing this :)

  2. freewomyn says:

    Lyndsey – LOVE THIS! I think you’ve got some great tips for people, whether they love vaginas or not. Great sex is all about communication and setting boundaries. If it’s not comfortable for you, don’t do it.

  3. Thanks all, I just realize that under digital sex, I didn’t mention that fingers and hands can also caress penises. I want all to be involved!

  4. THIS MADE ME LAUGH THE WHOLLLEEE DAMN TIMEE bahahaha

  5. Obviously don’t force yourself to do it if the idea still repulses you, but if you use a barrier for oral, that might reduce the factors that the original questioner seems to dislike (keeps the pubic hair from going up your nose, and the smell is less pervasive because it’s not coming through your tongue as well).

  6. In new of relationship of same gender.lesbian rel.to be specific.. We do hve a sec contact for a couple of times.my partner told me that um not that good when it comes to bed at this point in time but in tryung my best to jive with her.shes expetienced than me.shes older than me too.8yrs.gap..i just want to know if its oj to my partner if im going to do the same way like she did to me.eating pussy to be specific..i want to di tht but i dont know uf will like it.im hesitate to do tht.is it the best way for me to be good in bed?is tht wat she trying ti say?or i need to ask her wat shall i do to be good in bed?

    • Janine, it’s always a good idea to ask your partner what they like. And don’t be afraid to say what you like to do, too. Sex is best when it’s give and take and every partner feels comfortable.

    • Martina says:

      Well, I’ll say if she’s not satisfied as her to tell you what she likes, as well as you should tell her what you enjoy the most. Don’t hesitate to tell her because it will make the intimacy awkward.

  7. Thank you for posting this. I am 15 years old, and was never given a thurough education on same-sex relationships. My mother probably would have, seeing as she is a midwife and has been with women before, but I don’t think she ever expected me to like women. Now it’s just too awkward to ask. I really appreciate it.

    • Martina says:

      I say any age is good when it comes to sex-ed, don’t be shy to ask your mom, because it’s all normal and natural. I’m 22 an I experienced sex for the first time when i was 18 and well it was interesting and i think if i had more info and advice about it i would have done differently, be patient dont run into wanting to do anything at a young age, I’ll say this “sex is everything, its just a feeling of goodness in a moment in time”

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