Abortion opponents in Arizona have found a judge to play doctor! No, he has no medical degree, and he’ll never be pregnant – I’d even venture a guess that he’s never actually talked to an actual woman who has actually had an unwanted pregnancy — but by golly he is a judge and he knows stuff. U.S. District Judge James Teilborg ruled that Arizona’s ban on abortions starting at 20 weeks of pregnancy is constitutional. Why? Because it’s just math, silly! Sure, the statute “may prompt a few pregnant women who are considering abortion to make the decision earlier.” But that has nothing to do with making it tough for women to terminate unwanted pregnancies — it’s just outlawing the practice of bad counting while female! And who isn’t against that?
This is the digital age, people. Everyone knows a fetus comes with its own serial number and glow-in-the-womb due date. (At 40 weeks it pops out, like on the turkey, so mumsy knows when to head to the hospital!) Now that Judge Teilborg has cleared up all the nuanced arguments and complicated, often-conflicted feelings about abortion, we can all rest easy. I’m sure he will do it voluntarily. But if not, we can count on Governor Jan Brewer to draft a law requiring the judge to lend his abacus to the “few” pregnant women who get mixed up by big numbers.
Jodi is a freelance writer and recovering academic with more enthusiasm for sports than athletic talent and a prodigious taste for the health food known as dark chocolate.